Resolve a personal conflict

Not all conflicts are created equal. Before you discuss, try to take a step back. If you’re just a little annoyed, it might be best to let things slide, but if the conflict is truly disruptive, it probably warrants a 1:1 discussion. Use the conflict scorecard below to get better sense. If your conflict feels discussion-worthy, move onto step 2. If you’re not sure, try coming back to it in a day or two. Does it still feel important?

Before you discuss, it’s good to pause and articulate your situation in an objective, honest way. Use the conflict worksheet below to outline what you noticed, how it impacted your work, and what you’d like to have happen instead. This will ground your conversation and help you resolve the conflict more quickly.

When you’re ready to talk, schedule a time that works for you both. Try to do this 1:1 first, before pulling in anyone else. (We like the idea that “feedback should travel the shortest distance between two points”—it’ll help you avoid a drama triangle.) In your invite, see if you can acknowledge the conflict using more “I” statements than “you” statements. Bonus points for a non-judgmental, light tone. For example, “I noticed myself getting flustered in our last meeting. Got time to talk about it?”

At the start of your meeting, summarize your points from the conflict worksheet above. Then pause while your partner responds. Not everyone has a black belt in conflict resolution, so it’s natural for this part to feel awkward. As you listen, reflect:

• Did you have different expectations about how things should go? 
• Were you working toward different goals?
• Were they aware of the behavior you noticed, or was it a “blind spot”?
• Did you contribute to the conflict in some way? 

Sometimes, simply acknowledging a problem diffuses it. Other times, you need a follow-up. Some ideas: 

• If the conflict happened because your roles were unclear, try creating a DACI
• If your project has gotten off-track more generally, try a project checkup
• Need an outside opinion? Consider escalating your conflict

If the conversation goes sideways or you can’t get to a resolution, take a day to reflect. Would it help to talk with a coach or manager? If you find you’ve contributed to the conflict in some way, remember: the words “I’m sorry” are magic.

Extra Credit: Complicate your story

Telling ourselves over-simplified stories about other people’s behavior can have a hugely negative impact on our perceptions and moods. Learning to notice the story we’re telling ourselves—and experiment with alternative ones—can help us get a wiser, more balanced view. Use the Simple story worksheet to get started. 

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